Leaving.

There is this quote that got stuck in my head ever since I read it couple of years ago.

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The first time I got across this quote, I was a total different person than the one I am today. And it felt so true back then, Yes I will miss the place and the people and of course I will never be the same. I have left a part of me behind.

The last 3 years were hard. It felt like the universe was literally crushing me. As if someone out there pointing at all the stuff that I love and make me happy to destroy them or take them away. I have witnessed my dream turning into a nightmare. It is impossible to pass through such storm and remain the same. Those hardships had left their marks, also they took a lot from me, but they had straighten me up. I became stronger, way too stronger than I ever imagined. I have learned to face my problems not to run away from them. I have learned to choose wisely, compromise because now I know I can’t just have everything I want at the same time.

So this quote doesn’t apply to my life anymore.

I am leaving now, and I won’t miss the person I am right now. Because its unchangeable. Those lessons are well learned & will stay for good. I am not willing to take a step back.

Things that leave marks forever.

How would you feel if, with every action you take, everything you eat or drink, you got reminded that you should take extra care; because we are just not an ordinary family. You as per the history that we are getting known for uniqueness in regards to our health issues.

That is pretty much the summary of my life lately, living with fear of sickness. Me & my family for the last couple of years have experienced most of our time in hospitals & doctor visits.

I will thread the cases below and you’ll get what I am talking about:

  • My aunt’s husband suddenly got sick & after diagnoses it appeared to be a brain tumor- benign. He was a doctor at one of the biggest universities here and he regardless his old age he was still full of life, but the tumor got him and even after couple of operations to remove this tumor it knew its way back; until it got him completely and made him partially paralyzed and then year or two later of course it was time to say goodbye.
  • By 2009, It was my first year of college when one afternoon after coming home from a dinner with family. My father taking his clothes off to feel something like a pimp a big one on his stomach. Heading immediately to the hospital and after running couple of tests and multiple doctor visits later. He was diagnosed with colon cancer, stage 2. Suddenly the word that scares us and feel pity over those who suffers from it, is now at our home, and its my father ! Cancer. When you are under such a shock, you sometimes tend to be completely clueless. I don’t know what was with me until this current moment. I was acting as if there is nothing. All what I was sad about is that mom & dad are not home and they staying at the hospital instead ! I understood how big and dangerous the situation was after dad came back home and after doctor visits and colonoscopy became our routine. Cancer takes years of follow-up and with every time we go for the follow-up process it scares me more. I understood how it was, I now understand how weak was my dad. How he was wishing for death instead of living with pain. How he wasn’t thinking about himself, but us, telling my uncle to take care of us if anything happened after the surgery. It was catastrophic and it left a huge mark.
  • 2015. Late July, my mom received a phone call that her brother is sick. So we did what became our usual, we ran to the hospital. After couple of check-ups it appeared to be something in the heart. And yes they defined it as “something” UNKNOWN. Something big blocking the blood bath from and to the heart. They couldn’t identify whether it was a clot or not. This was the worst because I was conscious, aware and awake of what is happening. So I felt the pain of everything happening around, but had to stay strong for my cousins. I lived each and every detail of the following: So it was the end of Ramadan our holy month and the beginning of the feast when he was having the surgery, I went the day before to check-up on him. He was shaking out of fear. I still remember how he looked, this picture never leaves my mind. So the day of the surgery, I finished work and went to the hospital, we heard good news the operation is done and he is in the ICU room now. So phew ! a relief. All of a sudden am walking down the hall when I met the ICU doc. who stopped me and asked if any of us is B+ because they need blood for him. !! what they had wasn’t enough. Attention, the tragedy starts from here: we managed to provide couple of blood bags as requested, and by the time I was leaving, I asked the nurse how is he, and the response was shocking, ” he is still in the surgery ” WHAT are you kidding me, they said he was out before, so she confirmed yes he was, but there was bleeding so he had to go back in there again. How come weren’t we informed ? nobody replied. They needed more blood of course, I knew later that he took over 11 blood bag this night only. And since then he got stuck at a coma for a week, with everyday passing we hear that there is a system failure, his body isn’t responding. We reached a point where we were praying for him to actually pass away, because it will be better for him and the family. It was the absolute meaning of torture. It felt like I am in the middle of the most tragic movie of all time. Watching my mom and her sisters and brothers falling down when they hear of a bad news about new system failure, watching his sons torn inside, lost. And watching a whole hospital staff that can do nothing to help him. And then of course by the end of the week, the one thing I wished not to happen at the first day he entered the hospital happened. He passed away. And that unknown thing, it was HEART CANCER. which is very rare to happen.
  • 2016. Not the time for break yet. It’s the time for my small family to hospital road again. Starting with my father who had a blood clot at his ankle and my mom having a surgery at her uterus, ending with my mother diagnosed with autoimmune hepatitis. Which was just confirmed by last week, and started taking cortisone. After a year of unexplained fatigue. Again, the one thing that I was afraid of, happens. I saw my friend’s father how he was totally messed up because of the autoimmune hepatitis, and I was so afraid of this disease. All of sudden, it hits the one person who is the closest to my heart, the weakest physically in the family. Mama.

One thing I learned passing through all these experiences, despite the fact of how we as humans are so weak and helpless when it comes to sickness, every time one of these incidents happen, I freak out and I burst into tears. But then I wake up and have all the strength in the world, to support and stand by this person in need. When my uncle got into the hospital I gave every single bit of my strength and energy to his sons. Even though it was hard on me. Same when I knew about my mom. I said so okay lets assume this is the worst, am I going to spend my time with her moaning about why it happened or I would stand strong, support her and make it easier on her. So I learned that no matter how hard the situation is, you find your strength in a way or another. You learn how and when you let your feelings control.

I can’t say how much time it took me to write this and let it out, and the pain I am feeling now. I have a very heavy heart unfortunately. I am sorry about the bad medical terms too, I am not a doctor. I am asking you to keep me and my family in your prayers.

May we all stay healthy, and strong when needed.

The side of mom that I never saw before

In order to know what is exactly the side of her I never saw before. You need to know how I always see my Mama.

She is a very strong woman, I guess that how we all see/tend to see our mothers, but she has this contrast in her character that I never actually fully understood. She can move mountains if she wants, however some other times she can’t just go from one place to another alone.

Seven years ago, my dad had cancer, colon cancer. I was in my first year in college, my brother was in high school I guess, so basically we were young, inexperienced and kinda lost. We weren’t responsible enough back then so she actually carried the weight all alone until we started to understand and digest that we have cancer at home. It took time before my dad thankfully survived, surgery, doctor & lab visits, late night doctors call. She has literally dealt with this all alone as strong as the strongest thing you can ever imagine.

She is a house wife, she has no work experience at all, being the youngest daughter in the family, having lost her dad at very young age, she was the most pampered of them all. She graduated years later got married to my father and that is it. Her life is just centered on her family, with few friends around she has nothing to do but us. Her business is taking care of us.

So with time passing, us growing old, having our own life outside the house, away from her.

Her life changed, we try as much as we can to keep her engaged in our lives  but still by the end of the day she spends most of the time alone. Recently, I have realized that she is becoming more afraid of this, of sitting alone at home. Turning all the lights on, locking the door, nonstop phone calls with anyone just to avoid the feeling of loneliness and to get over this fear. I have seen it, unfortunately and she breaks my heart, having no other alternatives in hand is killing me. She is weak now, age is leaving its effect on her; she is sick we have spent this year almost in hospitals, hence she physically needs extra care, emotionally too.

It breaks my heart when I see her alone knowing she is afraid inside. Seeing the strong woman who raised me up and used to do everything with energy and didn’t mind doing anything alone with this fear right now is a killer.

If only I can go back in time where life was simpler and she was stronger and I was able to be around her more.

Time is my enemy. It is taking away like as we know an we can’t just stop it.

If you are reading this send some positive vibes our way, we can use some. xo

 

Echo of the departing soul

In response to today’s prompt about Echo.

The first thing that came to my mind was my grandma’s voice echoing in the hall of her house.

We were very close, I was almost raised up at her house. My mom being the youngest of her children, making me the youngest grand daughter in the family who gets all the care and pampering 🙂

My grandmother left our world 10 years ago, I am actually in shock writing this number now. It is huge ! 10 years is big and it is scary how time flies and life goes on.

When she left I was 14 years old and it was the first time for me to witness the death of someone close, someone close that much. It was devastating, heartbreaking and it felt like you are living your worst nightmare. She had a heart failure in one afternoon, transferred to the hospital then hours later we heard the news.

I remember that day very well as if it was yesterday, my dad calling from the hospital telling me the news, I just hung up the phone on him. Couldn’t bare it. I was at my uncle’s house right across hers. I went with my cousins to meet the rest of the family at the her house. Every corner has someone crying, all the phones are ringing people passing their condolences, my mom was the most heartbreaking of them all. She was lost, holding grandma’s clothes, hugging them and weeping.

At this moment, while everyone was busy with a phone call, or engaged with the funeral arrangements, I stood watching all of this in silence with heavy heart not able to believe what happened my mind is not just digesting it. Thinking about how she will never be around again, and while I was busy thinking with my eyes on the hall, I saw her. I saw her body again in her usual shape walking with a slightly bent back and I heard her voice for the last time echoing in the hall and she was calling my mom as she used to do always.

I know it might be just my mind trying to make her exist again, but I love to believe that her soul was still around seeing how the world is without her and she knew my mom was hurt. She kept visiting in her dreams every now and then.

Couple of days ago I went and visited her house after very long time, it was like a time machine, bringing all the memories back ;everything is still the same, . Her smell was still in the place and her soul was watching from up above knowing how hard we miss her around.

May your soul rest peace grandma.

We miss you, xo
https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/echo/

Leaving the world behind her favorite hour.

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It is a chilly Sunday, autumn is at its best and the sun is about to set; spreading its own orange warm rays on the park, making everything looks cozier and brighter.

She has spent the night before wide awake, going through old stuff, her diaries, old photos which made her think how everything turned exactly as she wanted after going through all these hard times. Remembering every tear and every sweat drop, every fight and every nervous breakdown, back then she was wondering how many of those more to go, how much more she could take and handle before life works in her favor again.

She sat comfortably on the hill, with the brown fallen leaves scattered around; drinking her coffee and listening carefully to the sound of the surroundings. The soothing sound of running water down the river, loud laughs coming from the end of the park, the smell of the fresh air. She smiled with a happy tear in her eye, a sigh of satisfaction. It is the evening she has always wanted. She has finally left a world of sadness behind her back and she is spending her favorite sunset hour by the river.

Remember why ?

Our lives nowadays couldn’t be busier, with all the hustle and bustle around we miss details. We get used to the routine, we are getting more familiar with the everyday surroundings that we don’t really appreciate their presence anymore.

We are taking our lives as we know it for granted. We all read articles about how not to take things for granted, how we will know their value when they are gone. And we will regret it.

So if we know where its going, then why are we being passive? why aren’t we taking action to change this fact.

I am reminding myself and reminding everyone who will read this to pause. Pause and have a look around you, remember why have you started your business in the first place instead of complaining everyday, find out why and live on that passion again.

If you are a parent, remember how you felt when you first hold your baby in your hands and how you promised them the world.

Remember why have you applied for this job, have you reached your goal or not yet? if not you have a reason to fight again.

If your relationship/marriage/friendship is getting on your nerves and you just can’t wait to run out of it because you are mad or whatever it is happening in your life. Close your eyes and imagine how your life will be without this relationship, remember all the good times and appreciate them be thankful that you lived them and do more, plan more of them; create new memories.

Remember how you got everything you wanted when you were kid, remember how you used to see your parents working their asses off to make you happy. Remember how you feel strong because no matter how bad your fight with your dad is but he’ll still have your back. How you can always always lie on your mother’s knees and let the world off your shoulder.

How you tend to call them first when you get accepted in that job interview or let them know about this person who you think is the one. This feeling I know I’ll miss the most, the mix of excitement and relief I get when I know about this job status and ran to the phone to ring them and transfer the happy news. How I always run to them when I feel like my life is falling apart I just need their advice, even if am not gonna work with it but at least I know I can share safely with someone that I can trust.

I am currently living with this in head, you never know when will be your last time with your parents/children/friends even colleagues at work.

So appreciate every single detail, your work, your relationships, your mama’s voice saying Hello picking up the phone, your father’s wishful tone of voice when he says good luck.

Look at everything thoroughly and appreciate it before its too late.