Leaving.

There is this quote that got stuck in my head ever since I read it couple of years ago.

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The first time I got across this quote, I was a total different person than the one I am today. And it felt so true back then, Yes I will miss the place and the people and of course I will never be the same. I have left a part of me behind.

The last 3 years were hard. It felt like the universe was literally crushing me. As if someone out there pointing at all the stuff that I love and make me happy to destroy them or take them away. I have witnessed my dream turning into a nightmare. It is impossible to pass through such storm and remain the same. Those hardships had left their marks, also they took a lot from me, but they had straighten me up. I became stronger, way too stronger than I ever imagined. I have learned to face my problems not to run away from them. I have learned to choose wisely, compromise because now I know I can’t just have everything I want at the same time.

So this quote doesn’t apply to my life anymore.

I am leaving now, and I won’t miss the person I am right now. Because its unchangeable. Those lessons are well learned & will stay for good. I am not willing to take a step back.

The side of mom that I never saw before

In order to know what is exactly the side of her I never saw before. You need to know how I always see my Mama.

She is a very strong woman, I guess that how we all see/tend to see our mothers, but she has this contrast in her character that I never actually fully understood. She can move mountains if she wants, however some other times she can’t just go from one place to another alone.

Seven years ago, my dad had cancer, colon cancer. I was in my first year in college, my brother was in high school I guess, so basically we were young, inexperienced and kinda lost. We weren’t responsible enough back then so she actually carried the weight all alone until we started to understand and digest that we have cancer at home. It took time before my dad thankfully survived, surgery, doctor & lab visits, late night doctors call. She has literally dealt with this all alone as strong as the strongest thing you can ever imagine.

She is a house wife, she has no work experience at all, being the youngest daughter in the family, having lost her dad at very young age, she was the most pampered of them all. She graduated years later got married to my father and that is it. Her life is just centered on her family, with few friends around she has nothing to do but us. Her business is taking care of us.

So with time passing, us growing old, having our own life outside the house, away from her.

Her life changed, we try as much as we can to keep her engaged in our lives  but still by the end of the day she spends most of the time alone. Recently, I have realized that she is becoming more afraid of this, of sitting alone at home. Turning all the lights on, locking the door, nonstop phone calls with anyone just to avoid the feeling of loneliness and to get over this fear. I have seen it, unfortunately and she breaks my heart, having no other alternatives in hand is killing me. She is weak now, age is leaving its effect on her; she is sick we have spent this year almost in hospitals, hence she physically needs extra care, emotionally too.

It breaks my heart when I see her alone knowing she is afraid inside. Seeing the strong woman who raised me up and used to do everything with energy and didn’t mind doing anything alone with this fear right now is a killer.

If only I can go back in time where life was simpler and she was stronger and I was able to be around her more.

Time is my enemy. It is taking away like as we know an we can’t just stop it.

If you are reading this send some positive vibes our way, we can use some. xo

 

Echo of the departing soul

In response to today’s prompt about Echo.

The first thing that came to my mind was my grandma’s voice echoing in the hall of her house.

We were very close, I was almost raised up at her house. My mom being the youngest of her children, making me the youngest grand daughter in the family who gets all the care and pampering 🙂

My grandmother left our world 10 years ago, I am actually in shock writing this number now. It is huge ! 10 years is big and it is scary how time flies and life goes on.

When she left I was 14 years old and it was the first time for me to witness the death of someone close, someone close that much. It was devastating, heartbreaking and it felt like you are living your worst nightmare. She had a heart failure in one afternoon, transferred to the hospital then hours later we heard the news.

I remember that day very well as if it was yesterday, my dad calling from the hospital telling me the news, I just hung up the phone on him. Couldn’t bare it. I was at my uncle’s house right across hers. I went with my cousins to meet the rest of the family at the her house. Every corner has someone crying, all the phones are ringing people passing their condolences, my mom was the most heartbreaking of them all. She was lost, holding grandma’s clothes, hugging them and weeping.

At this moment, while everyone was busy with a phone call, or engaged with the funeral arrangements, I stood watching all of this in silence with heavy heart not able to believe what happened my mind is not just digesting it. Thinking about how she will never be around again, and while I was busy thinking with my eyes on the hall, I saw her. I saw her body again in her usual shape walking with a slightly bent back and I heard her voice for the last time echoing in the hall and she was calling my mom as she used to do always.

I know it might be just my mind trying to make her exist again, but I love to believe that her soul was still around seeing how the world is without her and she knew my mom was hurt. She kept visiting in her dreams every now and then.

Couple of days ago I went and visited her house after very long time, it was like a time machine, bringing all the memories back ;everything is still the same, . Her smell was still in the place and her soul was watching from up above knowing how hard we miss her around.

May your soul rest peace grandma.

We miss you, xo
https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/echo/

Leaving the world behind her favorite hour.

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It is a chilly Sunday, autumn is at its best and the sun is about to set; spreading its own orange warm rays on the park, making everything looks cozier and brighter.

She has spent the night before wide awake, going through old stuff, her diaries, old photos which made her think how everything turned exactly as she wanted after going through all these hard times. Remembering every tear and every sweat drop, every fight and every nervous breakdown, back then she was wondering how many of those more to go, how much more she could take and handle before life works in her favor again.

She sat comfortably on the hill, with the brown fallen leaves scattered around; drinking her coffee and listening carefully to the sound of the surroundings. The soothing sound of running water down the river, loud laughs coming from the end of the park, the smell of the fresh air. She smiled with a happy tear in her eye, a sigh of satisfaction. It is the evening she has always wanted. She has finally left a world of sadness behind her back and she is spending her favorite sunset hour by the river.