Things that leave marks forever.

How would you feel if, with every action you take, everything you eat or drink, you got reminded that you should take extra care; because we are just not an ordinary family. You as per the history that we are getting known for uniqueness in regards to our health issues.

That is pretty much the summary of my life lately, living with fear of sickness. Me & my family for the last couple of years have experienced most of our time in hospitals & doctor visits.

I will thread the cases below and you’ll get what I am talking about:

  • My aunt’s husband suddenly got sick & after diagnoses it appeared to be a brain tumor- benign. He was a doctor at one of the biggest universities here and he regardless his old age he was still full of life, but the tumor got him and even after couple of operations to remove this tumor it knew its way back; until it got him completely and made him partially paralyzed and then year or two later of course it was time to say goodbye.
  • By 2009, It was my first year of college when one afternoon after coming home from a dinner with family. My father taking his clothes off to feel something like a pimp a big one on his stomach. Heading immediately to the hospital and after running couple of tests and multiple doctor visits later. He was diagnosed with colon cancer, stage 2. Suddenly the word that scares us and feel pity over those who suffers from it, is now at our home, and its my father ! Cancer. When you are under such a shock, you sometimes tend to be completely clueless. I don’t know what was with me until this current moment. I was acting as if there is nothing. All what I was sad about is that mom & dad are not home and they staying at the hospital instead ! I understood how big and dangerous the situation was after dad came back home and after doctor visits and colonoscopy became our routine. Cancer takes years of follow-up and with every time we go for the follow-up process it scares me more. I understood how it was, I now understand how weak was my dad. How he was wishing for death instead of living with pain. How he wasn’t thinking about himself, but us, telling my uncle to take care of us if anything happened after the surgery. It was catastrophic and it left a huge mark.
  • 2015. Late July, my mom received a phone call that her brother is sick. So we did what became our usual, we ran to the hospital. After couple of check-ups it appeared to be something in the heart. And yes they defined it as “something” UNKNOWN. Something big blocking the blood bath from and to the heart. They couldn’t identify whether it was a clot or not. This was the worst because I was conscious, aware and awake of what is happening. So I felt the pain of everything happening around, but had to stay strong for my cousins. I lived each and every detail of the following: So it was the end of Ramadan our holy month and the beginning of the feast when he was having the surgery, I went the day before to check-up on him. He was shaking out of fear. I still remember how he looked, this picture never leaves my mind. So the day of the surgery, I finished work and went to the hospital, we heard good news the operation is done and he is in the ICU room now. So phew ! a relief. All of a sudden am walking down the hall when I met the ICU doc. who stopped me and asked if any of us is B+ because they need blood for him. !! what they had wasn’t enough. Attention, the tragedy starts from here: we managed to provide couple of blood bags as requested, and by the time I was leaving, I asked the nurse how is he, and the response was shocking, ” he is still in the surgery ” WHAT are you kidding me, they said he was out before, so she confirmed yes he was, but there was bleeding so he had to go back in there again. How come weren’t we informed ? nobody replied. They needed more blood of course, I knew later that he took over 11 blood bag this night only. And since then he got stuck at a coma for a week, with everyday passing we hear that there is a system failure, his body isn’t responding. We reached a point where we were praying for him to actually pass away, because it will be better for him and the family. It was the absolute meaning of torture. It felt like I am in the middle of the most tragic movie of all time. Watching my mom and her sisters and brothers falling down when they hear of a bad news about new system failure, watching his sons torn inside, lost. And watching a whole hospital staff that can do nothing to help him. And then of course by the end of the week, the one thing I wished not to happen at the first day he entered the hospital happened. He passed away. And that unknown thing, it was HEART CANCER. which is very rare to happen.
  • 2016. Not the time for break yet. It’s the time for my small family to hospital road again. Starting with my father who had a blood clot at his ankle and my mom having a surgery at her uterus, ending with my mother diagnosed with autoimmune hepatitis. Which was just confirmed by last week, and started taking cortisone. After a year of unexplained fatigue. Again, the one thing that I was afraid of, happens. I saw my friend’s father how he was totally messed up because of the autoimmune hepatitis, and I was so afraid of this disease. All of sudden, it hits the one person who is the closest to my heart, the weakest physically in the family. Mama.

One thing I learned passing through all these experiences, despite the fact of how we as humans are so weak and helpless when it comes to sickness, every time one of these incidents happen, I freak out and I burst into tears. But then I wake up and have all the strength in the world, to support and stand by this person in need. When my uncle got into the hospital I gave every single bit of my strength and energy to his sons. Even though it was hard on me. Same when I knew about my mom. I said so okay lets assume this is the worst, am I going to spend my time with her moaning about why it happened or I would stand strong, support her and make it easier on her. So I learned that no matter how hard the situation is, you find your strength in a way or another. You learn how and when you let your feelings control.

I can’t say how much time it took me to write this and let it out, and the pain I am feeling now. I have a very heavy heart unfortunately. I am sorry about the bad medical terms too, I am not a doctor. I am asking you to keep me and my family in your prayers.

May we all stay healthy, and strong when needed.

The side of mom that I never saw before

In order to know what is exactly the side of her I never saw before. You need to know how I always see my Mama.

She is a very strong woman, I guess that how we all see/tend to see our mothers, but she has this contrast in her character that I never actually fully understood. She can move mountains if she wants, however some other times she can’t just go from one place to another alone.

Seven years ago, my dad had cancer, colon cancer. I was in my first year in college, my brother was in high school I guess, so basically we were young, inexperienced and kinda lost. We weren’t responsible enough back then so she actually carried the weight all alone until we started to understand and digest that we have cancer at home. It took time before my dad thankfully survived, surgery, doctor & lab visits, late night doctors call. She has literally dealt with this all alone as strong as the strongest thing you can ever imagine.

She is a house wife, she has no work experience at all, being the youngest daughter in the family, having lost her dad at very young age, she was the most pampered of them all. She graduated years later got married to my father and that is it. Her life is just centered on her family, with few friends around she has nothing to do but us. Her business is taking care of us.

So with time passing, us growing old, having our own life outside the house, away from her.

Her life changed, we try as much as we can to keep her engaged in our lives  but still by the end of the day she spends most of the time alone. Recently, I have realized that she is becoming more afraid of this, of sitting alone at home. Turning all the lights on, locking the door, nonstop phone calls with anyone just to avoid the feeling of loneliness and to get over this fear. I have seen it, unfortunately and she breaks my heart, having no other alternatives in hand is killing me. She is weak now, age is leaving its effect on her; she is sick we have spent this year almost in hospitals, hence she physically needs extra care, emotionally too.

It breaks my heart when I see her alone knowing she is afraid inside. Seeing the strong woman who raised me up and used to do everything with energy and didn’t mind doing anything alone with this fear right now is a killer.

If only I can go back in time where life was simpler and she was stronger and I was able to be around her more.

Time is my enemy. It is taking away like as we know an we can’t just stop it.

If you are reading this send some positive vibes our way, we can use some. xo

 

Leaving the world behind her favorite hour.

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It is a chilly Sunday, autumn is at its best and the sun is about to set; spreading its own orange warm rays on the park, making everything looks cozier and brighter.

She has spent the night before wide awake, going through old stuff, her diaries, old photos which made her think how everything turned exactly as she wanted after going through all these hard times. Remembering every tear and every sweat drop, every fight and every nervous breakdown, back then she was wondering how many of those more to go, how much more she could take and handle before life works in her favor again.

She sat comfortably on the hill, with the brown fallen leaves scattered around; drinking her coffee and listening carefully to the sound of the surroundings. The soothing sound of running water down the river, loud laughs coming from the end of the park, the smell of the fresh air. She smiled with a happy tear in her eye, a sigh of satisfaction. It is the evening she has always wanted. She has finally left a world of sadness behind her back and she is spending her favorite sunset hour by the river.

Inspirational talks #101 – Jay Shetty

I have came across this inspirational video couple of months ago, and I can’t get it off my mind. It simply explains the world we are living at, and how can we take a step forward and make a change.

So I wanted it to share it today, and hope you can find this message inspiring to you as it is to me and start making a difference.

” Albert Einstein famously remarked in a conversation with Werner Heisenberg, he said ” you know in the west we’ve built a beautiful ship, and in it it has all the comforts. But actually the one thing it doesn’t have is a compass and that’s why it doesn’t know where it is going.”

This paradox of our times was propounded by the Dalai Lama when he said ” we have wider freeways but narrower viewpoints, we have taller buildings but shorter tempers.”

Will Smith said that we spend money we haven’t earned on things we don’t need to impress people we don’t like. And it is phenomenal how the same technology that brings us close to those who are far away, takes us far away from the people that are actually close.

30 billion whatsapp messages are sent per day, but 48% of people said that they feel lonelier in general.

The paradox of our times is that we have more degrees but less sense. More knowledge but less judgements. More experts but less solutions.

It was Martin Luther King who said that the irony of our time is that we have guided missiles but misguided men. Have you ever found it perplexing that we’ve been all the way to the moon and back but we struggle to start a conversation across the road or across the train?

And it’s amazing that Bill Gates was known as the top earner of 2015 with a wealth of 79.2 billion USD but one in four CEOs claim to be struggling from depression.

Do we actually thrive off this paradox?Is it that this paradox actually makes the media interesting , its what makes journalism interesting, it’s what makes politics interesting, it’s what makes television interesting. Is this paradox actually what we feed off and what we live off and what we talk about and discuss on our circles?

Doesn’t it seem that we’ve tried to clean up the air but polluted our soul, we’ve split the atom but our prejudice, and we are aiming for high incomes but lower morals.

So I am hearing you ask, how do we bring a change? How do we dissect this paradox that exists in our lives? And it starts by us, each of us pressing pause, pressing reset, and then pressing play again. Taking a moment to become more conscious, taking a moment to become more aware, taking a moment to really reflect on the consequence, the implications of a misplaced word of an unnecessary argument that we all know we didn’t need to have, or to speak to someone just slightly differently in a different tone, in a different voice, in a different empathy, with a different perspective. Just to really connect with people on a different level. This, thinking out loud, started from Albert Einstein and I’ll track back to him when he actually said that the problems we have today cannot be solved with the same thinking that we used when we once created them.

So actually we need to research alternative teachings. We need to deep down dig into those ancient books of wisdom.We need to go back to understanding if there’s anything written in those creased pages of time that can actually reveal more knowledge and more wisdom of how can we transform our experience of life today. Otherwise this paradox means that every step we forward we take we’re taking three backwards every time.

Powerful words indeed. Here is the link to this Episode of street philosophy . And here is the link for Jay Shetty’s channel, so that you can enjoy more of these inspirational videos.

Live fully,

 

“Don’t rely on men”, a father once said.

Life in developing country 101.

My small chats with taxi drivers 101.

Today I had a chat with the taxi driver, talking about how he became a driver after working abroad for years as a tailor. He lived in Lebanon, Syria, Gulf area where he was paid by dollars.

He was moaning over all the money he had wasted, without saving for the future.

As we live in a country that has not any significance of secured future, so he is working two shifts to try and save any money again.

He is divorced, his children got married only a girl left and she is living with him, studying in an institute of art. She is teaching other kids as well to help her dad.

I liked how he talked about her ambition & her courage.” She has become courageous young girl because of me. ” He said.

“I will tell you what happened with us the other day,”

” She was on her way back home from the institute when she got harassed sexually by a truck driver, and he ran after he did what he did.

She went directly to the nearest police station to report what happened, they went on searching for him after she gave them his details. She went back home and told me what happened, I was stunned with her courage that after what happened she is still standing strong and going on the process of reporting and searching on her own. I was amazed that she didn’t need my help as her father in this situation, and I was proud.

After 5 hours, the police called as they found the guy and arrested him, so we had to go to make sure it was him. We did and he confessed.

I am telling you this story because I am proud and I’m not worried about her anymore. She didn’t need anyone to back her up in such situation, and am that’s how it shall be for the rest of her future.

She wants to go for masters after graduation and I will support her with all what I have. Her achievements and certificates is what will ensure her a future, not the husband. A girl can never rely on a man to secure a future. I know how they think, if they saw a prettier one they’ll do whatever they can to get her, even if that includes leaving their marriage behind. And I want my girl to be strong, I don’t want her to depend on anyone but herself.”