There is this quote that got stuck in my head ever since I read it couple of years ago.
The first time I got across this quote, I was a total different person than the one I am today. And it felt so true back then, Yes I will miss the place and the people and of course I will never be the same. I have left a part of me behind.
The last 3 years were hard. It felt like the universe was literally crushing me. As if someone out there pointing at all the stuff that I love and make me happy to destroy them or take them away. I have witnessed my dream turning into a nightmare. It is impossible to pass through such storm and remain the same. Those hardships had left their marks, also they took a lot from me, but they had straighten me up. I became stronger, way too stronger than I ever imagined. I have learned to face my problems not to run away from them. I have learned to choose wisely, compromise because now I know I can’t just have everything I want at the same time.
So this quote doesn’t apply to my life anymore.
I am leaving now, and I won’t miss the person I am right now. Because its unchangeable. Those lessons are well learned & will stay for good. I am not willing to take a step back.
It seems that for the past couple of weeks, the past has been repeating itself.
Same incidents happening at the same time with the same sequence. And if it happened in the past then this means it was either something good, or was just there to teach you something.
It was so obvious back then, that what happened wasn’t good, it messed my life up and since then I haven’t fully recovered. So I knew it’d be there to either teach me or it will end up with a promising finale. So far today I saw the lesson.
Today, I learned that even though I got hurt and badly damaged from my role model that no longer count as my source of inspiration. I learned that it’s okay to still recognize his achievements on his personal life. Disregarding the incident we had professionally, when I heard about his success today, I was glad. There are no hard feelings anymore. That is the perk of the passing time. It gives you a better view, better perspective. We are humans, and I chose to forgive him.
How would you feel if, with every action you take, everything you eat or drink, you got reminded that you should take extra care; because we are just not an ordinary family. You as per the history that we are getting known for uniqueness in regards to our health issues.
That is pretty much the summary of my life lately, living with fear of sickness. Me & my family for the last couple of years have experienced most of our time in hospitals & doctor visits.
I will thread the cases below and you’ll get what I am talking about:
- My aunt’s husband suddenly got sick & after diagnoses it appeared to be a brain tumor- benign. He was a doctor at one of the biggest universities here and he regardless his old age he was still full of life, but the tumor got him and even after couple of operations to remove this tumor it knew its way back; until it got him completely and made him partially paralyzed and then year or two later of course it was time to say goodbye.
- By 2009, It was my first year of college when one afternoon after coming home from a dinner with family. My father taking his clothes off to feel something like a pimp a big one on his stomach. Heading immediately to the hospital and after running couple of tests and multiple doctor visits later. He was diagnosed with colon cancer, stage 2. Suddenly the word that scares us and feel pity over those who suffers from it, is now at our home, and its my father ! Cancer. When you are under such a shock, you sometimes tend to be completely clueless. I don’t know what was with me until this current moment. I was acting as if there is nothing. All what I was sad about is that mom & dad are not home and they staying at the hospital instead ! I understood how big and dangerous the situation was after dad came back home and after doctor visits and colonoscopy became our routine. Cancer takes years of follow-up and with every time we go for the follow-up process it scares me more. I understood how it was, I now understand how weak was my dad. How he was wishing for death instead of living with pain. How he wasn’t thinking about himself, but us, telling my uncle to take care of us if anything happened after the surgery. It was catastrophic and it left a huge mark.
- 2015. Late July, my mom received a phone call that her brother is sick. So we did what became our usual, we ran to the hospital. After couple of check-ups it appeared to be something in the heart. And yes they defined it as “something” UNKNOWN. Something big blocking the blood bath from and to the heart. They couldn’t identify whether it was a clot or not. This was the worst because I was conscious, aware and awake of what is happening. So I felt the pain of everything happening around, but had to stay strong for my cousins. I lived each and every detail of the following: So it was the end of Ramadan our holy month and the beginning of the feast when he was having the surgery, I went the day before to check-up on him. He was shaking out of fear. I still remember how he looked, this picture never leaves my mind. So the day of the surgery, I finished work and went to the hospital, we heard good news the operation is done and he is in the ICU room now. So phew ! a relief. All of a sudden am walking down the hall when I met the ICU doc. who stopped me and asked if any of us is B+ because they need blood for him. !! what they had wasn’t enough. Attention, the tragedy starts from here: we managed to provide couple of blood bags as requested, and by the time I was leaving, I asked the nurse how is he, and the response was shocking, ” he is still in the surgery ” WHAT are you kidding me, they said he was out before, so she confirmed yes he was, but there was bleeding so he had to go back in there again. How come weren’t we informed ? nobody replied. They needed more blood of course, I knew later that he took over 11 blood bag this night only. And since then he got stuck at a coma for a week, with everyday passing we hear that there is a system failure, his body isn’t responding. We reached a point where we were praying for him to actually pass away, because it will be better for him and the family. It was the absolute meaning of torture. It felt like I am in the middle of the most tragic movie of all time. Watching my mom and her sisters and brothers falling down when they hear of a bad news about new system failure, watching his sons torn inside, lost. And watching a whole hospital staff that can do nothing to help him. And then of course by the end of the week, the one thing I wished not to happen at the first day he entered the hospital happened. He passed away. And that unknown thing, it was HEART CANCER. which is very rare to happen.
- 2016. Not the time for break yet. It’s the time for my small family to hospital road again. Starting with my father who had a blood clot at his ankle and my mom having a surgery at her uterus, ending with my mother diagnosed with autoimmune hepatitis. Which was just confirmed by last week, and started taking cortisone. After a year of unexplained fatigue. Again, the one thing that I was afraid of, happens. I saw my friend’s father how he was totally messed up because of the autoimmune hepatitis, and I was so afraid of this disease. All of sudden, it hits the one person who is the closest to my heart, the weakest physically in the family. Mama.
One thing I learned passing through all these experiences, despite the fact of how we as humans are so weak and helpless when it comes to sickness, every time one of these incidents happen, I freak out and I burst into tears. But then I wake up and have all the strength in the world, to support and stand by this person in need. When my uncle got into the hospital I gave every single bit of my strength and energy to his sons. Even though it was hard on me. Same when I knew about my mom. I said so okay lets assume this is the worst, am I going to spend my time with her moaning about why it happened or I would stand strong, support her and make it easier on her. So I learned that no matter how hard the situation is, you find your strength in a way or another. You learn how and when you let your feelings control.
I can’t say how much time it took me to write this and let it out, and the pain I am feeling now. I have a very heavy heart unfortunately. I am sorry about the bad medical terms too, I am not a doctor. I am asking you to keep me and my family in your prayers.
May we all stay healthy, and strong when needed.